I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize