John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When are your genitals available?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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