So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
