I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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