I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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