You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
