she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
