I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
