You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
