what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
