The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
