Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
