I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
