haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
