Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
