I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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