So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
