cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
