im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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