i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
