I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
