and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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