i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
