you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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