So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
