Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
