Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
