I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
