my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
