Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Barsexuality is the new black.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
