you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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