A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
