Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
