so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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