yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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