It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
