Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Im part way to drunk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize