you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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