I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
