turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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