Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
