She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
