he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
