My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
