So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize