He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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