Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
