I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
