I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
farters have to be the big spoon...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
