I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
