Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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