I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
