Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
