Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
