blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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