just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
