dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need to sanitize my soul.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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