You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
