Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
